My Heart Does Not Want to Forgive You
by jimelization
Summary: After a tragic accident, Susan is there to fight herself and say her final goodbye to a man, she used to love. But it is harder than it seems. Can she forget the bad memories and keep the good ones, or is it too much to ask for?


_Our love has always been a moment,_  
_the castle of our happiness- a hundred times abandoned._  
_Others knew you, better than me,_  
_but I loved you..._

Susan Vandom had never imagined that this day would come, but now, when she was walking along the graveyard rows, wrapped in her black veil- there was no other way ,but to accept it. The sky was gray, the usually dark green grass in the graveyard, had withered to an unappealing brown. People wearing black surrounded the coffin placed at the left end of the cemetery. She knew these burial places so well ... after all they had bought them together so many years ago...

The slender woman approached him with dry eyes. Тhe coffin was made of massive wood, to hide what was left of the man after the terrible car crash that took his life away. Tony had always loved high speeds and fast cars... This thought and realization, the fact that he was no more and his body was most probably disfigured, almost made Susan faint. Thank God, she didn't tell Will anything...She knew her daughter would not bear it. Even she faced difficulties with keeping herself together...after all theses years, in which Susan had cursed her ex-husband who chose gambling and drinking over them, to die, she was still not ready for the following reality.

_And now you'll tell me it's all over again,_  
_as with me you are no longer the same man_  
_but you'll still tell me you're in love,_  
_which time should I believe you and which not?!_

Susan saw her entire life with him as a film strap, their first days, their love and many fights...how she had Will, and thought she'd be the happiest woman in this world...She closed her eyes, knelt down to the level of the coffin, and placed her trembling hand on it's surface.

**Here rests Tony Vandom **

**(12/10/1970- 1/03/2019)**

The words engraved on the coffin lid and on the tombstone made her feel dizzy again, but still no tears. Is it really so hard for me to forgive you Tony, she thought , with bitterness. So many years later, after their last break up, after their divorce. They both had moved on, Susan loved her new husband, and yet the death of Tony put her in such a state. She was angry at herself. Why was this happening? Why mourn the man who almost ruined her youth? Was she really one of those, naive women?

_Understand that love has nothing to do with it_

_my heart does not want to forgive you..._

All their old friends were here, but Susan didn't want to talk to them. She didn't want to be noticed, she was only here to say her final goodbye to Tony and try to forgive him...but she couldn't. She was about to race back to the car, when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Susan?Is that you"

Susan flinched and turned around, the veil revealed her face to the face of...her. That girl he had married a couple of years ago, Serena or whatever her name was. That young girl, who was now in her early 30s, more than 10 years younger than Susan...Susan frowned. This sudden meeting, she did not need or want, and she was definitely not going to stay much longer to chit-chat with her ex-husband's widow.

"My condolences, Susan."- Serena said.

The other woman stared at her in surprise.

"Peace to his soul."-she murmured. "I-I'm sorry for coming, it probably was out of place, on my part. I will be going,my husband waits for me in the..."

"No, Susan it's ok."-Serena stopped her, her voice was shaking, but she kept trying not to burst into tears. "It is absolutely normal and OK for you to come here and say your final goodbye to Tony. Why didn't you bring Will along too..."

"She doesn't know yet."- Susan admitted a little sharply. But she was starting to take off her guard . There was no reason for her to blame Serena for anything, she had only become a part of Tony's life years after their divorce. " I don't know how to tell her, I'm afraid she will be crushed. But you take care of yourself."

"We will be fine."- Serena said with sadness in her voice as she put her hand on her belly. " One way or another."

Susan's eyes widened in shock.

"What are you saying?!Are you..."

"I'm in the first month. When Tony had the accident he was coming home, because of me. I-I want it ...to t-tell him. So I pretended there was an emergency...and look what happened. It's all my fault, Susan..."- she finished her confession and cried aloud, and finally, tears flowed from Susan's eyes as well .

She was disturbed by what she had heard, and without thinking twice , she embraced Serena to comfort her. This moment was stronger than her ego.

Serena sobbed:

"I k-killed the father of my baby."

"No."-Susan squawked. "It wasn't you fault...Tony, he always drives so fast...it was a bad moment and a bad time."

"But he was driving fast because of me."- Serena cried. "If I hadn't called him home that night, he would still be among us today."

The women just stood there, crying for a few more minutes. Neither of the both saying a word.

"Please,Susan."- the younger woman finally spoke. "Please send him away with a clean heart, don't hold any grudges against him... He was a good man after all, I know you ended on a bad note but..."

Susan pulled away and sighed.

"You're right . He was a good man. But he isn't my man since 15 years. I wish you all the best, Serena. "

Serena looked at her shocked, as Susan turned her back to her and began to pace away. It was too much for her, she had just cried for him...again, after so many years, and after she had promised herself to never shed a tear for him anymore. Susan wrapped herself in her veil and headed for the exit of the cemetery, it was beginning to rain lightly, as Serena shouted after her:

"He never forgot about you and Will, throughout our entire marriage. He mentioned you every day, with time he realized his responsibilities , Susan, why are you doing this?!"

But she couldn't stop now. She ran even faster to the car, ignoring Dean's worried :"What happened?", as she got in and slammed the door behind herself.

"Just drive!"-she told him. " Get me out of here."

"Are we going back to Heatherfield?"- the teacher turned around to face her.

Susan smudged the remaining makeup under her eyes and thought about it for a second:

"Not yet..."

That same night, when the cemetery was empty, Susan returned with Dean. She made her way to the already buried grave, and placed a single white lilly on top of the still wet soil.

_Had you been human, you'd at least admit, _  
_to your heart I was __а__ true swallow,_  
_others knew you better than me, _  
_but only I was devoted to you..._

She knelt down for the second time that day and just stared at the grave, as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

"We did end on a bad note, but all these years after we both moved on, that could have been fixed, Tony. For the sake of our child...but I didn't want to, I was so angry. We both were so stubborn...I'm so sorry, and today it is too late to tell you that even though we weren't meant to be...we have a beautiful daughter, a beautiful child who is a woman already... Our paths crossed for a reason all theses years ago, and that reason is named Will."- Susan sighed and ran her hand on the cold tombstone. "I feel sorry, even for Serena and her fate...but as for mine, I want you to know , I don't regret anything. I know you can't reply to me, but I pray that you can hear me- Tony I loved you, and ...if it is true that you thought about us all these years, I want you to know that we , me and Will...I want you to know that we are both doing great. Be peaceful...til we meet again. Goodbye, Tony Vandom. "

Susan stood up and wiped her eyes, she caught Dean by the hand, and he patted her's reassuringly. As they walked out of the dark cemetery, the moon appeared behind the clouds.

The woman felt that a great burden was taken off her shoulders. She also had that pleasant feeling and conviction, that somewhere, Tony felt the same . 

**A/N : Well, what did you think? This was just a random idea that popped in my head and I decided to share it. Let me know what your opinions are :)**


End file.
